Monday, May 24, 2021

Fuzzy Sun


The sun was fuzzy today. I wouldn't recommend a fuzzy sun. Golden? Sure. Pale? Sure. Midnight? Again, sure. Fuzzy not so much. Does fur travel at the speed of light?

I wouldn't say it was a gloomy day otherwise - while I didn't wake up full of vim & vigor, I was able to get out of bed at a reasonable time. I made it into the office before my boss and was able to get some work done in between visits to the break room, the bathroom, and a generous lunch. The owner's kid even made a pot of coffee for everyone. The day had not crushed me by overwork nor the ennui of underwork.

On my way home, however, I looked up. The sun was fuzzy.

I would not recommend a fuzzy sun.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Catman?


"What do you mean you're not Batman?"

"Precisely that - I'm not Batman."

The homeowner eyed the responder slack jawed, his breathing audible over the commotion in the house behind him.

"But I called Batman."

"And he's not here," the bewhiskered man in the cat suit responded. "I am. What's the issue?"

"I specifically told the operator I needed Batman!"

"Sir, what's your emergency?"

"Why would they send you?"

"I was nearby. What's the problem?"

"The problem is: I WANTED BATMAN!"

"THE PROBLEM IN YOUR HOUSE!"

"I SET MY WIFE ON FIRE!"

Friday, April 16, 2021

The Slushie Slut


"Verily I say unto thee, I require another”

The bartender appraised the woman for a moment, taking in a missing shoe, a cape, and a tit one dance move away from escaping her top. She sighed, looking at a bar full of other customers.

“Honey, what is your deal?” The bartender asked.

“Verily I say unto thee - I am the slushie slut! I am here to liberate your slushies. Forsooth!”

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

The Offer

 


"Sit, my friend, sit."

The office was a lair of mahogany, red leather, and cigar smoke; the indicated chair no less a constrictor than the other furniture and, indeed, no less a monster than the inhabitant of the high-backed chair across the desk. An inhuman puff of smoke wafted toward the ceiling and exploded across the surface as it made contact. There was a moment of silence as the white cloud dissipated into the brown textured tiles.

"Well?" The moment was over. I sat.

"You have something I want," them monster growled, safe in his lair. "I think I have something you want. I'll make you an offer."

I waited for a bit for the offer to become explicit.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

The Lifesaver

 


"That's not yours!" squawked Shelly. "Someone might need that in case of an emergency."

"It is, nevertheless, now mine," stated Slim. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law."

"Legal possession! When you've come into something legally the courts are more likely to uphold your right to possess it if it's in your possession." Shelly took a big breath. "Conversely, you're more likely to be held responsible for wrongdoing if the object of intrigue is still in your possession. That's to say you'll get in trouble if you have stolen jewelry in your home even if you weren't the one who stole it."

"Are you a cop?"

"No, but,"

"Are you going to tell the cops?"

"No, but,"

"Then that legal shit doesn't mean a fucking thing. The lifesaver is now mine and there's fuck-all you can do about it."