Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Dick Dragon

Art by Elizabeth

"I thought you all breathed fire," I said, looking up at the great wyrm. The beast, two stories tall with wings that could hide a house, scowled down at me.

"That's racist," it sputtered.

"Sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Oh, nobody ever means it."

"I, I just mean it wasn't my intent to insult you."

"Yet here we are."

The beast and I paused for a moment.

"Wait," I said, puzzled. "How's that racist?"

"Are you kidding? You just assumed all us dragons did a thing. Of course it's racist."

"I'm not some dragon scholar! How was I supposed to know?"

"You could have asked."

"How would I know to ask about that?"

"You could have phrased it differently."

"Ah," I said, pondering my options. "Well, before we go too much further, what else should I know about dragons?"

"There's lots to know!" it ejaculated enthusiastically. "There are a lot of dragons in this world and they're all a little different. Some fly, some swim. Some have metallic scales, some are feather and chitinous. Some put up with stupid questions, some eat idiots."

"Well, I hope you're the former," I said.

"I value using one's head, but I'm not going to eat you, traveler."

"Oh, thank goodness."

I pondered my next move. I figured I'd return to the start of the contention.

"So, what else do dragons breathe?"

"Lots!" it answered. "Fire, certainly, and acid and ice. Sometimes it's tied to appearance and scale type, but like in any Punnett square, a recessive gene might show up unexpectedly. I'm pretty dominant though."

"I bet! Does anyone else in your family breathe cum?"

"Oh, all the women in my family are stellar sperm spewers."

"Wait. You're a lady!?"

Germination

Art by Cardi

"Oh, babe, we're going to have to disinfect that. Come with me."

"Is that the burny stuff?"

"Hydrogen peroxide, yes. I'm sorry honey, but we don't want any germs to get in."

"I don't want to."

"I know you don't hon, but a little hurt now is better than a lot of hurt later."

"I don' wanna!"

"It'll be so quick and we'll put a little medicine on. You can even pick the band-aid and I'll kiss it to make sure it heals up nice."

"Can I get a dinosaur?"

"A what now?"

"You said I could pick my ban-aid. I want a dinosaur."

"Oh, sure honey! I think we have a few left. Now sit here."

"Okay."

"Okay, now let me get... okay and the towel... okay, now hold still."

"Ohhh!"

"I haven't even put anything on the cut yet. You're more afraid of the hurt than it's actually going to hurt."

"Ohhh!"

"Look at me. I'm going to put the peroxide on and you look at me and tell me if it hurts half as much as you're acting like now."

"... okay."

"Okay?"

"Ow! Sssss!"

"You'll be okay in a few seconds. Not as bad as you thought though, right?"

"It huuurts!"

"Yeah, a little, I'm sure, but not as much as you thought."

"No..."

"Okay, all done. Let's get you bandaged up. Don't want any germs inside the cut."

"Mom, what are germs?"

"They're little, itsy bitsy bugs that make you sick."

"They're BUGS!?"

"No, not bug-bugs, but little tiny organisms. Teeny tiny - have we talked about cells?"

"Shells?"

"Cells - the little building blocks that make us. It's... it's a little tough to explain right here, but maybe we can go find a microscope in a bit."

"Okay!"

"Okay... and mwah! All protected from germs."

"Why are the bugs called germs?"

"Oh, honey, I don't know. Maybe something to do with germination? That's, ah, well, you know how seeds turn into flowers?"

"Yeah."

"Well, ah, the baby version of a lot of things are called germs. And maybe we say 'germs' to mean the baby version of something bigger, like an infection."

"So germs are baby bugs?"

"Cells, but yes, something like that. I, ah, I haven't done a good job of explaining. Just know that when I say 'germs' I mean something that makes you sick."

"Baby cells."