Sunday, December 17, 2017

The Overworked Mailman

[Written Round Robin style in October 2017. Four coauthors. Some small corrections, but mostly untouched.]

Yesterday I got into a fight with my mailman. He tried to tell me that I was ordering too many oversized packages. I was told in no uncertain terms where I could put any further packages - and it wasn't in the mail room. He told me I had to put them in my grandma.

Once I told my grandma about this, she went for her gun in the closet. Grandma was always sensitive over the size of her vagina. I watched her waddle with disgust, her labia lips clearly slapping her knees with each step. It was a sound I'd heard my whole life, I knew she was pissed... but I had also noticed the piss streaming down her leg - time to clean that up.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Slithery Surprise

"Fuck you, you slithery son of a bitch!" I screamed in terror as I kicked at a snake with my pants around my ankles. I let out a few more choice curses as the bendy bastard eluded my kicks but wouldn't leave the strike zone of an angry man on a toilet.

Finally, finally, it made its way under a cabinet so I could perform a quick wipe and regain a full range of motion. I stared the cabinet down as I quickly washed my hands. I soon after began a quest to arm myself against the intruder, toilet unflushed.

My immediate options were limited. Toilet brush? Plunger? Neither really fit the bill, but really, what in the house would? I didn't exactly have a side gig of snake-wrangling that I could go open the toolbox and have all my snake-catching gear available.

I picked up the plunger and made a quick list of non-toilet options. Hammer? Maybe I could use it sideways? A knife probably wasn't the answer, nor was a grilling fork. Anything without a handle was probably a no-go as well, so what was left? A broom?

I could probably flush (heh) the beast out and pin it with the bristles of my little broom, then smack it with a hammer. Maybe. Hopefully. If I were quick.

Wary of letting the thing loose, I went to gather supplies.


A fifteen minute sprint, written 27 September 2017.