Monday, May 24, 2021

Fuzzy Sun


The sun was fuzzy today. I wouldn't recommend a fuzzy sun. Golden? Sure. Pale? Sure. Midnight? Again, sure. Fuzzy not so much. Does fur travel at the speed of light?

I wouldn't say it was a gloomy day otherwise - while I didn't wake up full of vim & vigor, I was able to get out of bed at a reasonable time. I made it into the office before my boss and was able to get some work done in between visits to the break room, the bathroom, and a generous lunch. The owner's kid even made a pot of coffee for everyone. The day had not crushed me by overwork nor the ennui of underwork.

On my way home, however, I looked up. The sun was fuzzy.

I would not recommend a fuzzy sun.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Catman?


"What do you mean you're not Batman?"

"Precisely that - I'm not Batman."

The homeowner eyed the responder slack jawed, his breathing audible over the commotion in the house behind him.

"But I called Batman."

"And he's not here," the bewhiskered man in the cat suit responded. "I am. What's the issue?"

"I specifically told the operator I needed Batman!"

"Sir, what's your emergency?"

"Why would they send you?"

"I was nearby. What's the problem?"

"The problem is: I WANTED BATMAN!"

"THE PROBLEM IN YOUR HOUSE!"

"I SET MY WIFE ON FIRE!"

Friday, April 16, 2021

The Slushie Slut


"Verily I say unto thee, I require another”

The bartender appraised the woman for a moment, taking in a missing shoe, a cape, and a tit one dance move away from escaping her top. She sighed, looking at a bar full of other customers.

“Honey, what is your deal?” The bartender asked.

“Verily I say unto thee - I am the slushie slut! I am here to liberate your slushies. Forsooth!”

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

The Offer

 


"Sit, my friend, sit."

The office was a lair of mahogany, red leather, and cigar smoke; the indicated chair no less a constrictor than the other furniture and, indeed, no less a monster than the inhabitant of the high-backed chair across the desk. An inhuman puff of smoke wafted toward the ceiling and exploded across the surface as it made contact. There was a moment of silence as the white cloud dissipated into the brown textured tiles.

"Well?" The moment was over. I sat.

"You have something I want," them monster growled, safe in his lair. "I think I have something you want. I'll make you an offer."

I waited for a bit for the offer to become explicit.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

The Lifesaver

 


"That's not yours!" squawked Shelly. "Someone might need that in case of an emergency."

"It is, nevertheless, now mine," stated Slim. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law."

"Legal possession! When you've come into something legally the courts are more likely to uphold your right to possess it if it's in your possession." Shelly took a big breath. "Conversely, you're more likely to be held responsible for wrongdoing if the object of intrigue is still in your possession. That's to say you'll get in trouble if you have stolen jewelry in your home even if you weren't the one who stole it."

"Are you a cop?"

"No, but,"

"Are you going to tell the cops?"

"No, but,"

"Then that legal shit doesn't mean a fucking thing. The lifesaver is now mine and there's fuck-all you can do about it."

Monday, November 2, 2020

Friday, July 31, 2020

A Letter Changes Everything [88]



I was so much more than a wordsmith. I was an alphabet alchemist; a metaphor magician. I had, of all things, sifted through the English language to put together the most comprehensive instructional manual our institution had ever seen. It'd taken months - nay, seasons! Spring, Summer, and Fall - to bring this piece to fruition. It wasn't so much a project as bringing a baby to term and today was its birthday.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

A Romantic Scene in an Unromantic Place [17]



"After all these years, I can't believe you've never brought me back here before today," the woman said, leaning into her husband's arms. The husband, for his part, eyed the bags of trash and chemical foam frothing in the surf and said nothing. He just held her closer. Scenery aside, the waves made for a magical, musical moment.

"We should have come back sooner, honey," the husband finally agreed. "We could have made time. We had time after our bundles of joy grew up. Hell, I could have taken a long weekend off blacksmithing - I could have trusted one of the apprentices for a few days. I'm sorry hon."

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

A Wedding Reception with Hundreds of Guests [199]


And lo, the gods and demigods, mages and learned men all gathered for the wedding of the sun and the moon. It was a great feast - a divine feast - and the ceremony was like nothing the mortal men had ever seen before. The sky had turned black as the sun and moon kissed. They gave birth to the stars in the sky. It was over too soon, however, and both were off to count down the days until they could renew their vows again.

Their parting, however, was a signal to those assembled. The cosmic event vouched for many years of good luck until the two grew too lonely. In the spirit of good luck, the god of war proposed a toast - to soldiers, of course - and the feast moved from largo to allegro, from gridlock to expressway. Drinks and merriment abounded and toast flew fast and heartfelt.

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

It's a Setup! [174]



"Do you think they followed us?" Diego asked as his wild eyes checked the car windows.

"Of course they followed us," Rafael replied. "It was a setup - a trap - and we haven't escaped yet."

"We're gonna die!" Diego blurted out. Rafael hit the brakes, causing the car to jolt and Diego to slam into his seat belt. The wild-eyed man gasped to catch his breath.

"If they want to kill us, they'll have to catch us. Now, where are we headed?"