Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Dick Dragon

Art by Elizabeth

"I thought you all breathed fire," I said, looking up at the great wyrm. The beast, two stories tall with wings that could hide a house, scowled down at me.

"That's racist," it sputtered.

"Sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Oh, nobody ever means it."

"I, I just mean it wasn't my intent to insult you."

"Yet here we are."

The beast and I paused for a moment.

"Wait," I said, puzzled. "How's that racist?"

"Are you kidding? You just assumed all us dragons did a thing. Of course it's racist."

"I'm not some dragon scholar! How was I supposed to know?"

"You could have asked."

"How would I know to ask about that?"

"You could have phrased it differently."

"Ah," I said, pondering my options. "Well, before we go too much further, what else should I know about dragons?"

"There's lots to know!" it ejaculated enthusiastically. "There are a lot of dragons in this world and they're all a little different. Some fly, some swim. Some have metallic scales, some are feather and chitinous. Some put up with stupid questions, some eat idiots."

"Well, I hope you're the former," I said.

"I value using one's head, but I'm not going to eat you, traveler."

"Oh, thank goodness."

I pondered my next move. I figured I'd return to the start of the contention.

"So, what else do dragons breathe?"

"Lots!" it answered. "Fire, certainly, and acid and ice. Sometimes it's tied to appearance and scale type, but like in any Punnett square, a recessive gene might show up unexpectedly. I'm pretty dominant though."

"I bet! Does anyone else in your family breathe cum?"

"Oh, all the women in my family are stellar sperm spewers."

"Wait. You're a lady!?"

Germination

Art by Cardi

"Oh, babe, we're going to have to disinfect that. Come with me."

"Is that the burny stuff?"

"Hydrogen peroxide, yes. I'm sorry honey, but we don't want any germs to get in."

"I don't want to."

"I know you don't hon, but a little hurt now is better than a lot of hurt later."

"I don' wanna!"

"It'll be so quick and we'll put a little medicine on. You can even pick the band-aid and I'll kiss it to make sure it heals up nice."

"Can I get a dinosaur?"

"A what now?"

"You said I could pick my ban-aid. I want a dinosaur."

"Oh, sure honey! I think we have a few left. Now sit here."

"Okay."

"Okay, now let me get... okay and the towel... okay, now hold still."

"Ohhh!"

"I haven't even put anything on the cut yet. You're more afraid of the hurt than it's actually going to hurt."

"Ohhh!"

"Look at me. I'm going to put the peroxide on and you look at me and tell me if it hurts half as much as you're acting like now."

"... okay."

"Okay?"

"Ow! Sssss!"

"You'll be okay in a few seconds. Not as bad as you thought though, right?"

"It huuurts!"

"Yeah, a little, I'm sure, but not as much as you thought."

"No..."

"Okay, all done. Let's get you bandaged up. Don't want any germs inside the cut."

"Mom, what are germs?"

"They're little, itsy bitsy bugs that make you sick."

"They're BUGS!?"

"No, not bug-bugs, but little tiny organisms. Teeny tiny - have we talked about cells?"

"Shells?"

"Cells - the little building blocks that make us. It's... it's a little tough to explain right here, but maybe we can go find a microscope in a bit."

"Okay!"

"Okay... and mwah! All protected from germs."

"Why are the bugs called germs?"

"Oh, honey, I don't know. Maybe something to do with germination? That's, ah, well, you know how seeds turn into flowers?"

"Yeah."

"Well, ah, the baby version of a lot of things are called germs. And maybe we say 'germs' to mean the baby version of something bigger, like an infection."

"So germs are baby bugs?"

"Cells, but yes, something like that. I, ah, I haven't done a good job of explaining. Just know that when I say 'germs' I mean something that makes you sick."

"Baby cells."

Thursday, April 4, 2024

Vampire Snail

Art by Petra

 "What's the meaning of this?"

"What's the meaning of what?"

"This! My car! What the fuck is this all about?"

"What? It's a joke!"

"A joke! You painted shit all over my car!"

"Yeah, I got you a paint job. It's the letter 'S' all over the car."

"What. The. Fuck."

"Yeah! So when you drive by people will say 'look at that s car go!'"

"... are you retarded?"

"Yo! Not cool."

"You just painted shit all over my car for a joke. Did you eat too many paint chips as a child?"

"It's a joke!"

"Did your mom drink too much alcohol while pregnant?"

"Seriously not cool."

"Why the fuck would you take my car and paint over it without even asking?"

"Okay, sorry. I thought you would get a kick out of it."

"I don't."

"Well, you don't have to use the r-word."

"The r-word?"

"Yeah, that's not cool anymore."

"I've never been 'cool' and I'm not trying to be 'cool.'"

"No, I mean it's not kosher. Not appropriate."

"What's not kosher?"

"The r-word."

"What r-word?"

"Yeah, ah, retarded ... not cool."

"You're telling me that's out of date now? What else is over?"

"Oh, ah, the f-word."

"I've been saying 'fuck' all night!"

"Oh, no, the other f-word."

"The other f-word?"

"Yeah, ah, faggot."

"That's like eighty percent of my insults!"

"Yeah, they're not cool anymore."

"Those were the height of humor in the nineties!"

"Still not cool now."

"You have to keep me up to date on these things. That's a familiar's duties."

"I know, master, but I, well, it really hasn't come up until now."

"Really?"

"I think so - usually I only see you in passing as you go out to hunt."

"I've never insulted you?

"Oh, it's not that. I suppose I haven't fucked up quite like this before though."

"You have been a dedicated familiar, I will give you that."

"I'm sorry, master, for failing you on so many levels tonight."

"Are there other words or phrases I should know not to use?"

"Well, pretty much anything Tom Green ever said."

"I can't think of anything he did."

"You know - a lot of shock comedy in the late nineties. Kind of the precursor to Eric Andre."

"Eric Andre?"

"Uh, yes, another guy. Surely you remember Tom Green though? 'My butt is on the rail'?"

"I vaguely recall."

"Well, anything he used to say is considered out of date now."

"Ah! Well, I'll try to keep to the times then. You will have to teach me new slang."

"Yes master."

"Good. Spend your day tomorrow compiling lists for me to get up to date."

"Yes master."

"Get some sleep. Fix the car. Find the slang."

"I'll fix the car, certainly. I'm so sorry master."

"Good. You should be. I'm off to hunt. Now... snail you later!"

Sunday, March 31, 2024

Maiden Maker


[Content Warning: this story depicts gruesome mutilation. It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever written. It’s what came out of my pen upon seeing the title.]

It was a shop like any other. The sigil of the flayed man was prominently displayed on the door (as per the Ordinance) and the window frames were sticky with putrefying blood. If one didn't notice the straw-packed effigy hanging outside the entrance one may have mistook it for the apothecary or the bowyer's shop. That’s assuming, of course, that Karg wasn't advertising outside.

"Maidens! Maidens! I take’r stock and make'm maidens!" 

His voice was one of a chorus of shopkeeps bellowing into the street. While the pitch and tenor of the vocals all meshed together from afar, each shopkeep had a distinct cadence that could be picked out by a trained ear. An ear like Gek's.

"Maiden Maker" Gek cried out to Karg from across the street. "Maiden Maker!"

Karg acknowledged Gek with one big wave and then encouraged him to enter the shop with another. Gek entered with his human captive in tow. 

"Dis da one?" Karg asked, if only to start the conversation. Gek modded, Karg pretended to inspect the captive as if he was going to recommend anything other than the total makeover package. "Good, good," "he added. "Lots to work with." 

"Caught 'm three days back," Get said proudly. "Got lotsa meat left on 'im" 

"Tink you should get da works," Karg recommended.

"Tink I should," Gek agreed. Karg hid his surprise - usually there was some pushback.

Monday, March 11, 2024

Spectral Assets

Art by Sabrina

"Hey Jay, are you buzzy right now?”

"Did you just say buzzy?"

"Busy. Busy. Sorry. Are you busy right now?"

"Why did you say ‘buzzy’?"

"Slip of the tongue, tongue, I swear."

"Sure, Fred, sure."

"I swear! Sorry."

"...fine. What do you want?" 

"I'm so sorry about my slip of the tongue. I didn't mean to imply anything." 

"Sure, sure. What did you want?"

"Well, Jay, I… uh… I was wondering if you could teach me how to dance."

"Really Fred. Really."

"What do you mean? I hear you're a great dancer."

"Yeah? You want me to tell you where the nearest flower is, you need some pollen pointers? Some insect interpretive dance? Fuck you."

"No. Jay! I swear I didn't mean anything. I heard you have some great moves and I could use pointers."

"You mean it?"

"I swear, Jay, I swear." 

"You're not putting me on?." 

"I'd never - I've known you most of your life."

"That's what, a month?" 

"A month, a year, who’s counting? I know you have the moves and I want to learn."

"I suppose you’re not wrong."

"Well, will you help me?"

"You mean it?"

"Yeah, Jay - I have a strong urge and I need to see something special." 

"Something special?" 

"Yeah, I want a mate with... well... a certain spectral asset."

"Fred, please spit it out." 

"Jay, sorry. I want you to teach me to dance so I can finally see some boo bees." 

Roar to Rawr


“What in the world is going on!?" Gene roared. 

"Nothing! Nothing, I swear!" Kelly responded, hastily pushing a box into a closet. 

"Nothing my butt! What are you hiding in there?" 

"Nothing?" Kelly responded slower this time. 

"That doesn't seem like nothing - that seems like something that you're doing a bad job of hiding from me." 

"Uhm," Kelly said slowly, "It is something, but for later" 

"Later?"

"Yes. A surprise!" 

"If it's such a surprise, why were you making so much noise as you put it in the closet?" 

"I didn't mean to - I just knocked over some boxes by accident.”

"On accident? 

"Yes."

“I think you woke me up on purpose.”

“Oh?” Kruk took a second before confessing. "You got me. I didn't mean to ‘wake you’ wake you - I thought you were just laying down."

“So what's up? What's in the closet?" 

"Nothing, babe - I'm wearing it."

With this Kelly slipped out of her over clothes to reveal some lacy lingerie.

"Happy Anniversary!"

"Rawr!"


Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Witchy

Art by Kohlwin

“A broom? I’m not your maid.”

I looked from the woman to the implement in my hands and then back again. She didn’t seem to notice my incomprehension.

“But it’s a gift?” I tried.

“Are you telling me my house is dirty?” she spat

“No, no,” I fumbled. “It’s… I thought you used them to fly.”

“Oh, are you telling me to get the fuck out then?” Well maybe I will. Maybe I’ll just pack up all my dirty, unwanted potions and leave this shit little town to wallow in its mediocrity.”

“No, I-” I started

“I don’t want to hear it, you little shit. And here I thought you were being a helping hand. But no, you’re just like all the others. Always in need of something or other without offering anything in return.”

“I don’t want anything?” I tried.

“Then what do you want?”

“I, uh,” I paused. “I want to say thank you?”

“Oh?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Ever since you came to town everything has been a lot better. Fewer illnesses. You fixed Jim’s broken arm. Our crops have grown faster and have been more plentiful.”

“Yes, yes. And what?”

“So we made you this as a gift - it’s not much, but we carved all our names on it and tried to make it as nice as we can make a broom.”

“Well, we noticed you didn’t fly a whole lot and figured maybe you needed a broom or something.” I explained.

“Well, in that case, I’ll take it. Hand it to me.”

I obeyed.

She looked it over for a good moment.

“Now where am I supposed to put this?”

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Mailbox

art by Evan

“What in the dick-licking, cunt-crunching fuck is that!?” I exclaimed loud enough to get my point out but soft enough not to startle anyone.

“What are you talking about?” Ben asked, the words dribbling out of his mouth before his eyes left the phone in his hands.

“That!” I gestured at the mailbox.”

“Wut?”

“Holy fuck, Ben, look up from your phone for two fucking seconds.”

“What? Jesus dude, you don’t have to harass me like that.”

“Apparently I do.”

“Fuck you dude. I was paying attention.”

“Yeah, to Tik-Tok.”

“Bro”

“What? It’s true. If your eyes were any more glued to that screen I’d have to start carrying around rubbing alcohol.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s a solvent. It dissolves glue. I’m saying you’re really fucking glued to your phone. Fuck, dude.”

“I’m not that bad, Ben said, instinctively looking down at his phone before looking back up. “Hey, it’s not like I’m the one who crashed his car.”

“Yo, fuck you. I know I fucked up, but I took my licks. And it’s not like I was texting and driving all the time. You’re the one whose eyes never leave the phone.”

“Still didn’t crash a car.”

“Fuck you dude.”

“Yeah, and fuck you back. Now what the fuck did you want me to see?”

“The mailbox dude, look at it.”

“What about it? Is there a big spider or something?”

“No - LOOK at it. Jesus.”

“What? Fuck you and just tell me.”

“It’s not USPS Standard 7C compliant. It shouldn’t be out here.”

“What?”

“It’s fucked up.”

“Fuck you dude.”

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Valent9s Poems

[Tonka Tanka]

Metal and Yellow
Amid Oshkosh clad children
they beep, crash, and roar
a tune-less construction ‘toon
Animated by small hands

<3

Flowers and chocolates and symbols of love
pink candy hearts and fluttering doves
laying on blankets watching clouds of cotton
memories made and moments forgotten
the aisle with your father, the speech by my brother
today is a good day to love one another

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Lucy w/ the Good Vodka Water Glass

Art by Emily

“Lime or lemon?”

“Lime or lemon?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you mean lemon or lime?”

“What?”

“Isn’t it normally ‘lemon or lime’? Like it’s not ‘breakfast and bed’ but rather ‘bed and breakfast’.”

“Sure?”

“...”

“... lemon or lime?”

“Better, thank you.”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Well what do you want in your glass?”

“What do you mean by what I want in my glass? I ordered a vodka water.”

“Yes and-”

“And I want a vodka water in my glass.”

“Sure, yes, gladly.”

“Good.”

“But we usually add a bit of citrus.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to add some citrus to my glass?”

“Yes.”

“Which is why you asked me about limes and lemons in such a weird way?”

“... yes.”

“Ah.”

“So, Lucy, would you like a slice or lemon or a slice of lime with your vodka water?”

“Uhm, actually, do you have orange?”