Witchy

Art by Kohlwin

“A broom? I’m not your maid.”

I looked from the woman to the implement in my hands and then back again. She didn’t seem to notice my incomprehension.

“But it’s a gift?” I tried.

“Are you telling me my house is dirty?” she spat

“No, no,” I fumbled. “It’s… I thought you used them to fly.”

“Oh, are you telling me to get the fuck out then?” Well maybe I will. Maybe I’ll just pack up all my dirty, unwanted potions and leave this shit little town to wallow in its mediocrity.”

“No, I-” I started

“I don’t want to hear it, you little shit. And here I thought you were being a helping hand. But no, you’re just like all the others. Always in need of something or other without offering anything in return.”

“I don’t want anything?” I tried.

“Then what do you want?”

“I, uh,” I paused. “I want to say thank you?”

“Oh?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Ever since you came to town everything has been a lot better. Fewer illnesses. You fixed Jim’s broken arm. Our crops have grown faster and have been more plentiful.”

“Yes, yes. And what?”

“So we made you this as a gift - it’s not much, but we carved all our names on it and tried to make it as nice as we can make a broom.”

“Well, we noticed you didn’t fly a whole lot and figured maybe you needed a broom or something.” I explained.

“Well, in that case, I’ll take it. Hand it to me.”

I obeyed.

She looked it over for a good moment.

“Now where am I supposed to put this?”

Mailbox

art by Evan

“What in the dick-licking, cunt-crunching fuck is that!?” I exclaimed loud enough to get my point out but soft enough not to startle anyone.

“What are you talking about?” Ben asked, the words dribbling out of his mouth before his eyes left the phone in his hands.

“That!” I gestured at the mailbox.”

“Wut?”

“Holy fuck, Ben, look up from your phone for two fucking seconds.”

“What? Jesus dude, you don’t have to harass me like that.”

“Apparently I do.”

“Fuck you dude. I was paying attention.”

“Yeah, to Tik-Tok.”

“Bro”

“What? It’s true. If your eyes were any more glued to that screen I’d have to start carrying around rubbing alcohol.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s a solvent. It dissolves glue. I’m saying you’re really fucking glued to your phone. Fuck, dude.”

“I’m not that bad, Ben said, instinctively looking down at his phone before looking back up. “Hey, it’s not like I’m the one who crashed his car.”

“Yo, fuck you. I know I fucked up, but I took my licks. And it’s not like I was texting and driving all the time. You’re the one whose eyes never leave the phone.”

“Still didn’t crash a car.”

“Fuck you dude.”

“Yeah, and fuck you back. Now what the fuck did you want me to see?”

“The mailbox dude, look at it.”

“What about it? Is there a big spider or something?”

“No - LOOK at it. Jesus.”

“What? Fuck you and just tell me.”

“It’s not USPS Standard 7C compliant. It shouldn’t be out here.”

“What?”

“It’s fucked up.”

“Fuck you dude.”

Valent9s Poems

[Tonka Tanka]

Metal and Yellow
Amid Oshkosh clad children
they beep, crash, and roar
a tune-less construction ‘toon
Animated by small hands

<3

Flowers and chocolates and symbols of love

pink candy hearts and fluttering doves

laying on blankets watching clouds of cotton

memories made and moments forgotten

the aisle with your father, the speech by my brother

today is a good day to love one another

Lucy w/ the Good Vodka Water Glass

Art by Emily

“Lime or lemon?”

“Lime or lemon?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you mean lemon or lime?”

“What?”

“Isn’t it normally ‘lemon or lime’? Like it’s not ‘breakfast and bed’ but rather ‘bed and breakfast’.”

“Sure?”

“...”

“... lemon or lime?”

“Better, thank you.”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Well what do you want in your glass?”

“What do you mean by what I want in my glass? I ordered a vodka water.”

“Yes and-”

“And I want a vodka water in my glass.”

“Sure, yes, gladly.”

“Good.”

“But we usually add a bit of citrus.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to add some citrus to my glass?”

“Yes.”

“Which is why you asked me about limes and lemons in such a weird way?”

“... yes.”

“Ah.”

“So, Lucy, would you like a slice or lemon or a slice of lime with your vodka water?”

“Uhm, actually, do you have orange?”