The Lifesaver

 

"That's not yours!" squawked Shelly. "Someone might need that in case of an emergency."

"It is, nevertheless, now mine," stated Slim. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law."

"Legal possession! When you've come into something legally the courts are more likely to uphold your right to possess it if it's in your possession." Shelly took a big breath. "Conversely, you're more likely to be held responsible for wrongdoing if the object of intrigue is still in your possession. That's to say you'll get in trouble if you have stolen jewelry in your home even if you weren't the one who stole it."

"Are you a cop?"

"No, but,"

"Are you going to tell the cops?"

"No, but,"

"Then that legal shit doesn't mean a fucking thing. The lifesaver is now mine and there's fuck-all you can do about it."

"You motherfucker - what happens if there's an emergency and someone needs it?" Shelly said with a dramatic gesture.

"That someone could well be me - what do you say to me taking sensible precautions?"

"Well, what about women and children?"

"Don't assign me a gender - I'm hermaphroditic."

"Well, what about me?"

"What about you?"

"What if I need that lifesaver?"

"Why would you need a lifesaver?"

"In case things sink?"

"You can fly."

"Well. Yes. But. What if I couldn't?" Shelly sputtered.

"I'm not taking off this lifesaver."

"Fuck you, you worm."

"And fuck you, early bird."