The Nothing

Have you ever looked into the void? The space behind your eyes as you look in to the mirror? The blackness where your soul is supposed to reside?

The nothingness?

I suppose it might not be Nothing for everyone. For me, however, behind my pinprick pupils as I look into my bathroom mirror, Nothing appears. No soul. No self. Nothing.

I was recently at a park. I watched parents and kids and lots of dogs playing. Living. I tried to remember the sensation. I found myself squeezing my hands together - an involuntary spasm of attempted feeling. Squeezing but no juice. Blood from a stone.

I don't know why I am this way. I don't know if anyone else feels the same. There is certainly no way I feel the same as others.

Some of this, I suppose, is due to a woman. Not just a woman. The woman who took whatever filled my Nothing before I met her.

I am biased. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met. She's the smartest, most hard-working, most wholesome woman who has ever existed.

This is all a lie and I know it.

I am, however, helpless against her.

Oppositional.

I have framed that as her versus me. This, too, is not the truth. It's me versus me. She doesn't know. I am Nothing. Unnoticed. A Void (avoid).