Am I Worth It?

 [As with several other posts, this is actually from ~ the future ~ (January 2025). I've buried it in the past so my whining is not at the top of the timeline. Also I'm not drunk, but wish I were, if anyone got caught up on that tag.]

Betteridge's law of headlines is an adage that states: "Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no." Am I worth it? No, I suspect not.

I'm not sure how many times I have to be taught this lesson, but apparently it must be smacked into me a few more times. A few memorable homework assignments are Fuck Hope from 2013 and Backup Dick from 2018 (also hidden, to appear in 2016). Will the lesson stick this time? Probably not.

There exists something fundamentally unattractive about me. I don't know what it is and, even if I did, I don't know if I could fix it. I feel it most acutely in the context of romantic relationships. Twice in the past year I've been pursued, caught, and, when it became evident I was willing to put some effort into the endeavor, discarded. Both had their bullshit reasons, but both boiled down to "I don't want to put in the effort for you." Blah.

Of course, this isn't limited to romantic relationships. Pick a relationship and I'll tell you how everyone is doing the bare minimum, if anything. Family? I called my Dad one time and that's when he let me know he was traveling to Philadelphia (from Arkansas) and might see me. He didn't call me to say he was visiting - I called him and it came up in conversation. As a note, he didn't actually see me when he was in town. My phone apparently works one way - I have to contact my family, they don't contact me. Friends? Well, you know how it is. I'm not saying I don't have a few folks who are bright spots in my life, but everyone's living their own lives. Even one of my closest friends only calls (can't fucking text) me when he's in the middle of an activity he wants to invite me to. God forbid I might be doing something. No, planning would take effort, and I'm not worth that. Housemates? Well, in the week after I wrote this piece they threw away a butter knife and broke another lightbulb. They can't spare the effort to even tell me shit's broken, let alone fix, replace, or clean what they've fucked up in their own living space. Coworkers? Let's not pretend I wasn't fucked out of a $120k/yr job I was promised. Who else do we have? I don't know. I do know that if someone were to be asked the question "would you like to make Simon's life easier" the answer is probably "no." It's perfectly fine to suck up my time and attention, but paying it back isn't in the cards.

That's not really really true, of course, but I'm venting. I realize I'm lucky (note the last half), but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it feels like I'm not worth the effort.

PROMISES

Sparks flew with Promises in February (or thereabouts). A couple months later we were using the boyfriend/girlfriend language. Making plans with each other and making promises to each other. I had reservations and, when I voiced them, I was given an ultimatum: either I love completely or I leave. That's probably where I fucked up - once I surrendered my heart I wasn't interesting anymore. Any hiccup, any slight screw up, any small new relationship mistake was magnified and turned into a crisis.

Of course, I wanted to put in the effort to make the relationship work. I walked on eggshells, I became a groveling little shit whimpering and begging for an hour a week of attention. For her part she made big promises to keep me on the hook: grand vacations, adventurous dates, spicy bedroom play. None of this materialized, of course - there was always a reason why a promise couldn't be fulfilled.

Things finally fell apart in July. It was overdue. For the preceding months I'd felt like an anchor dragging down Promises' boat. I was adding stress. I was too much to deal with. Once the anchor cable was cut, however, I popped up to the surface - I was the boat and she had been the anchor! Looking back she'd made no effort to keep us afloat. Among her parting words were that she had preferred the part of the relationship where I only showed up if she beckoned - even walking two blocks north was too much effort to waste on me.

PROHIBITIONS

I met Prohibitions in August and we reconnected in late December. We had great chemistry but not a ton in common due to an age difference. Still though, we figured it was worth a try. What got old quick was hearing what I (or she) wouldn't like. There was little conversation about it, there was no attempt at compromise, she just decided I (or she) would not like a thing and went from there. It was tiring trying to pry a thought from her head ("oh, you wouldn't want to hear about that" or "we don't talk about that") but I was willing to put in the effort. There were some body issues too, but nothing that couldn't be overcome with comfort and trust.

Unfortunately, when it became clear I'd be willing to make the effort to meet her halfway, I became undesirable. Her excuse for breaking it off? "I have zero desire to be in any city." She decided this is true. The up-front logic here is a little absurd (you're breaking things off now because in two or three years we might move in together?) but the reality is the same as everyone else: she's in her comfort zone and does not want to make an effort to step outside it for a relationship with me.

So, where does this leave me? Reminded once again that I'm always going to be backup dick. Either literally as women choose other men and keep me in reserve (ah, Purple Hair) or figuratively as people focus their attention elsewhere. It was a fun few months this past year having the attention of Promises and Prohibitions, but in the end it's just another slap in my face. I must remember I'm not worth the effort. I must remember not to get my hopes up.

I must remember that any effort I give, any love I put into this world, will not be reflected back to me and I'm just going to have to be okay with that.