Friday, May 4, 2018

Caller ID

[WP] You're in a lecture/meeting/movie theater and your phone rings. You apologize and silence it. A minute later it rings again. You turn your phone off. A minute later it rings again. In frustration, you take the battery out. A minute later, it rings again. The caller ID says "God".

I stared at the device wide-eyed. This couldn't be possible. This shouldn't be possible. I looked around at all the angry faces. I held up the ringing phone in one hand and the battery I had removed in the other.

"Uh, I have to take this - apparently God's calling," I stammered. Some of the angry faces softened into confusion, but that didn't help my embarrassment. I pressed the icon to answer the phone as I scootched my way down the crowded theater aisle, Flash Gordon illuminating my path.


"Yooo! Sup dude? How's it going?"


"Cool, dude. Where you at?"

"Uh, I was watching a movie until a minute ago, now I'm walking up the aisle?" As I described my actions, my brain started to catch up to the situation. "Is this... are you... what's going on here?"

"Oh, just figured I'd give you a quick call to chat and catch up. What's new?"

"I'm not sure I follow. You're God?"

"I am." The voice chuckled for a second like that was some great joke. "Allah, Krishna, Elohim, whatever you want to call me - just don't call me late for dinner. You know why?"

"... why?"

"I live outside time! I can't be late for anything!" At this a laugh boomed through the phone at the same instant Brian Blessed's laugh boomed out of the theater speakers.

"Did you do that on purpose?"

"Yeah man - it was pretty great, right?"


"Good, good." There was a moment or two of silence.

"So, you called me in the middle of a theater just to make a joke?"

"More or less."

"I feel like I should ask you a question."

"Go for it - I'm all ears!"

I paused for a second to determine whether or not that was a joke too.

"Uhhhhhhh..." I desperately tried to recall questions posed in the one undergrad philosophy class I took two decades ago. "What is the Good?" I managed.

"The Good? Shit man, I've been smoking the Good all day. You should try it sometime. Mellows you out, ya' know?"

"I... what?"

"Well, I gotta go. Nice chattin' witcha,"

At that, my phone went dead. I stared at the blank screen for far too long.

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