Portal Crotch

[First of three. Written Round Robin style on 16 Feb '17. JM & WW coauthors. Some small corrections, but mostly untouched.]

I stared my crotch right in the face, knowing damn well what it was up to. The knocking told my crotch that it was to start the ceremony. The guests were the best Craigslist had to offer, but really, you get what you pay for. Let's face it though, my crotch didn't have much money. The door swung open slowly, revealing two men and a woman.

"Are you Keith? Your girlfriend promised discretion..."

Inspiration Art by JM

On Gerrymandering

I used to have a political blog, but now I don't, so I'll post this here:

I've been seeing a lot of talk about redistricting and gerrymandering recently. To my reform-minded friends of all stripes, might I suggest that redistricting is only a small part of the puzzle and arguably both the least important and least likely to succeed.

The easiest and most likely to succeed reform we can make for our single-member district system is to require a MAJORITY of the vote. Right now, in every election, we have a system called "First Past The Post" - you get the most votes and you win. This creates the spoiler problem we're all familiar with - if you vote for the candidate you want to win, it's possible that you draw votes away from your second choice (see: the rhetoric against Stein and Johnson this past election). This shouldn't happen and it's easily fixed. Contact your State representatives (NOT Federal - I really mean the people who are in your State capital) and ask for legislation to require a majority of votes in single-member district elections.

Much harder but much more important is to push for some form of PROPORTIONAL REPRESENTATION. Go ahead and look at election results in your area by party. Now look at the makeup of Congress. Look at the makeup of your State legislature. Look at the makeup of your city/county legislative body. It's weird that none of them match the votes, right? If citizens vote for 40% Pizza Party, 35% Birthday Party, and 25% Bachelor Party, we would expect the legislature to match the preference of the citizens, not gamed so that, say, Birthday Party has 55% of the seats. I hesitate to dwell on recommendations for proportional representation, but I did want to bring it to your attention - it would, after all, make gerrymandering obsolete.

*** Philadelphia Friends, we could institute a system called "Mixed Member Proportional Representation" in Philadelphia City Council which would open the door to better and more diverse representation with ease. Our Council and our voting machines are already set up for it - with 10 districts and 7 at-large members, it's as easy as flipping a switch. ***

Reformist friends, you have my apologies for the length of this post. I'm also sorry I don't have cool graphics or a catchy "the second way to improve democracy will SHOCK you!" headline that might make you "Like & Share!". But I felt it was important to get this out there.

I'll gladly talk your ear off about voting systems at any time - that's what I have my degree in, after all - but assuming you want to hear it from someone who's not me, I do highly recommend checking out CGP Grey's YouTube series on "Politics in the Animal Kingdom".

So, fight your fight against Gerrymandering - it's important to do so! But make sure to add Majority (easier) and Proportional Representation (more important) to your list of "fightin' words".

"Costis' Room"

He returned to his room, crestfallen, the day's events weighing heavily on his heart. He was the King's man, but he took no pleasure in today's particular duties.

The muscular man eased himself onto his bed, wincing with each small movement. He rubbed some salve onto the scrapes and smaller wounds not already bandaged by the temple's healer a short time earlier. He squeezed away the shill in his hands and lit two more candles at his beside, vowing to light his small fireplace in a moment or two.

"Ben's House"

Her hands trembled uncontrollably and she felt moments away from being sick. Still though, she approached the door, scuffing closer as only a nine-year-old can. She promised Ben she'd come visit, but she never expected his house to be so spooky! Spooky or not, she had walked all the way here from town, through the woods, and over the old stone bridge, and she didn't want to make the whole trip without at least saying hello.

"H-hello?" she squeaked at the door, standing eight feet back. She waited a moment for a response before making her next move.

A Chamber of Secrets

I worked my way through the tall grass surrounding the house. I was feeling lucky - decorative hedges and stone walls hid my approach. Still though, I inched my way forward, hoping to stay hidden from my target and her guards.

Art by BH

Midnight in Seedy Philadelphia

A train screaked its way across the Ben Franklin Bridge, throwing sparks that acted as fireworks behind a cabaret performance in a converted warehouse. The band alternated between an ambient aesthetic and covers as the cast worked their way through a murder mystery, film noir style.

It's the fifties in 2016 Philadelphia as we witness the events of the Los Angeles staple "the Sugar Cube" – suits and bangs and pill-box hats complete the fare.

A shot rang out and the crowd jumped, looking to see which of the cast was the shooter and which was the victim. Unusually, the cast did the same.

A beat. Two beats. A woman's scream pierced the confusion, escalating it to a panic. Without even looking, I knew – the body of Jack Penn lay on the floor, meaning two months of my life spent tracking him down was for naught.

That seemed to be the pattern now – I got close to closing a case and my best lead bit it. I was used to the plausible overdose or the unusual accident, but this was new. I surveyed the venue for the person who had reacted least to this burst of excitement.

I was out of luck however – it seemed that the world had it out for me. I ordered a double amidst the chaos, downed it, and made my way to the Delaware. Watching the boats and looking toward Camden, I renewed my vow to get to the bottom of all of this.

A train screaked by, apathetic.

[written November 2016]

The Open House

"Welcome to today's community meeting. We'll be hosting this open-house style, so please make your way around to the stations as you will."

I stared at the metallic man for a moment, then abruptly turned my head to look inside. Sure enough, the room beyond was populated by poster board, tables, and welcoming robots. While there was a person or two milling about, I was astounded by the amount of shiners inside.

Art by Abe P.

Traffic Jam / Big View Count!

I woke up a few minutes ago and, unable to get back to sleep, decided to add one more story to the scheduled pile of posts I've got coming up (details below). I saw a giant spike in views and got super happy to have a bit of attention! Who could it be? Who actually reads this blog?

Of course, the views were all my own from earlier today as I added stories to be published over the coming months and subsequently bumped around reading my older work.

To wit:

• "A Porcine Problem" was antedated to Nov 16.
• "The Open House" is coming Nov 30th. (Art by Abe)
• "Midnight in Seedy Philadelphia" is coming Dec 6th.
• "A Chamber of Secrets" is due on Dec 22nd. (Art by BH)
• "Ben's House" is up to bat on Jan 15th. (Art by DH)
• "Costis' Room" is coming Feb 14th. (Art by DH)
• "Entropy" is the last of today's (well yesterday's) additions and is arriving on Mar 17th.

Also, I went back and added the tag "Fan Fave" to the stories folks seem to enjoy the most (and this post), so click that if you don't feel like wading through my posts of varying quality.

A Porcine Problem

"Honey, promise me you won't get mad."

"I can't make that promise, especially since you just asked me to."

"I just need you to promise."

"In that case, you have to promise not to be mad if I break my promise."

Backup Dick

[written March 2018, but buried here]

I got cocky (excuse the pun). After more than a year as someone's first choice, I was stupid to forget that I am, and forever will be, "backup dick" for everyone I fall for.

I suspect there are several reasons for this. First and foremost, I tend to give freely of my attention. That is to say I let others - specifically those who I want to date - know that I'm interested in being with them. I feel this attenuates any desire on their part to pursue me and rather encourages women to seek someone they have (or are perceived to have) a harder time securing attention (and affection) from. This puts me in a difficult situation, however, as I'm not attractive enough to cause women I'm attracted to to seek me out of their own accord.

Second, but close behind, is my appearance. Probably also my demeanor. I can't pretend I've taken care of my body. I'd also admit I'm moody and demanding. Hell, my father called me "fat, lazy, and whiny" to my face in the house I bought.

With these (and other factors, surely) combined, I am someone women seek out for attention (and therefore lead me on to lesser and greater extents) until they find someone who has a better balance of attractive to attention, at which point I'm given the boot.

Knowing all this, and knowing nearly a decade's worth of this pattern, I should be more numb to the most recent demonstrations of proof that I am, and will forever be,

Backup Dick.