Monday, June 1, 2015

The Camping Trip (Part 3)

Continued from Part 2.

The four sat for a moment, rain pattering away.

"Well, that was kind of fucked up," Andrew broke the tension. “It wasn’t a bad story though, I’ll admit.”

“She ruined my story though!”

“Well, it killed some time, I suppose,” added Jeff. “Who’s up?”

“Andrew’s the one who thought this whole thing up - he should go,” Lydia said.

“That’s fair enough. Anything you want to hear about?”

“Naw, make something up dude,” Jeff answered.

“Okay, that’s cool. Lets continue with this fairytale theme. Once upon a time there lived a young woodcutter. He wasn’t the brightest, nor the strongest, but he was a likable guy so that made up for a lot. One day, his parents call him to their home. Basically, they say that he needs to get married or they are going to write him out of their will. Feeling this is unfair, he decides to marry the next girl he sees.

“Now, while he’s at his parents’ house there’s this big commotion. They all go outside to see what’s going down. There’s this big procession of knights and horses and carriages, and, all of a sudden, the woodcutter catches sight of the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He stops one of the trailing party and asks who she is - it turns out it’s one of the King’s daughters. 

“Well, the woodcutter, being one part dense and one part determined, decides that he must try to marry her. He bids his parents farewell, heads home to collect provisions, and begins his journey to the capital.

“Being an experienced woodsman, he begins his voyage by taking paths through the woods. Eventually, he comes to a drained lake. He begins to go around it and runs into a small man about as round as he is tall, sleeping. The woodcutter nudges the man awake and asks if he’s okay. The round man stirs and says he’s very thirsty - he has a thirst which can never be quenched. The woodcutter, noting the dry lake, asks if maybe he’d like to accompany him to the capital. Delighted, the round man agrees. 

“As they travel, they reach a cleared field. They cross the field and find a tall, skinny man at the far end. Again, the woodsman nudges him awake, asks if he’s okay, and makes a little small talk with the man. The two travelers discover that the man has an insatiable appetite. As with the round man, the woodsman asks the tall man if he’d like to accompany them to the capital. The tall man agrees.

“They walk along and, a mile out, they discover a man sleeping amidst a number of half-finished projects. The same routine plays out with the lazy man, who reveals that he can complete any project in a matter of a minute, but bores of a project in half that time. As with the others he agrees enthusiastically to join the woodsman on his journey to the capital. 

“Finally, after another day’s walk, the band reach the capital. The woodsman, ever direct, asks to have an audience with the King to ask for his daughters hand in marriage. The King, appalled at the idea, but obligated to let the woodsman at least make his offer by custom, hears the woodsman out. Unfortunately for the King’s sanity, the daughter is smitten.

“After much consternation, the King decides to throw a banquet for the woodsman, only after which can the two be married. Unfortunately for the woodsman, the banquet will only be considered over when all the food and all the drink are finished - a condition which the King never intends to reach.

“In a show of uncharacteristic wit, the woodsman secures an invite to the banquet for his friends. As you probably know, the round man quickly finishes all the beverages present and the tall man polishes off the food before even the King gets his fill. The King’s “never-ending” banquet now finished, the King then declared that the wedding must take place that very hour, and the woodsman’s parents must be there to see him off, else the engagement was void.

“Concerned, the woodsman asked the lazy man to run to the parents house, bring the parents back to the wedding, take them back home after, then return to the capital. Much to everyone’s amazement, the lazy man disappeared for thirty seconds and returned with the woodsman’s parents under each arm, where he promptly fell asleep in the chapel.

“With no further ability to delay the ceremony that he was sure would never happen, the King merely glowered as the simple woodsman married his daughter.”

Andrew glanced at Julia.

“I’m not going to say they lived happily ever after, but they did well enough for themselves, and the King eventually got used to his son-in-law and his friends. He even gave them jobs every once in a while which suited their particular abilities.” Andrew paused, “How’s that?”

“Good enough for what we need,” said Jeff.

“Fine” Julia answered curtly.

“Jeffrey, I think it’s your turn now.” Lydia chimed in before before Julia had a chance to expand on her displeasure. 

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“Gonna continue with the fairy tale theme?” Andrew inquired. 

“Maybe I was thinking about moving it to outer space though. Thought it was time for a change.

“Fair enough.”

“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…”


“No, but I didn’t know a better way to start out.”

“Okay, fine. Go on.”

“Okay, So, there’s this astronaut named Jake. He and his crew blast off into space to go to the moon.”

“2001? Apollo 11? 13?”

“Shut up! Not anymore. They’re, uhm, headed to the moon to investigate a murder. Yeah.”

“This sounds retarded” Julia opened.

“Do you want to listen or not? It’s still raining.”


“Okay. So there’s this murder on the moon. John...JAKE is NASA’s chief detective for the lunar colony.”

“Why wasn’t he already on the moon?” asked Andrew.

“HE WAS ON BREAK! Jesus! I didn’t interrupt you guys when you were talking.”

The three offered apologies, though Julia mouthed the words ‘but ours didn’t suck.’

“Are we good? Fine,” Jeff continued. “Jake goes to the moon to investigate a murder. He lands and shit and finds out that no one is really talkative. The victim is a famous photographer and it turns out that all his pictures have been deleted off his hard drive and camera. Jake is fairly certain that the culprit is someone who was caught in the act or otherwise doing something illegal.”

Julia huffed.

“What now?”

“You’re stating facts, not really telling a story. Can’t you make it something interesting?”

“What do you want? Another fairy tale?”

“That’d work.”

“Fine. Once upon a time…”

“SHH!” Andrew interrupted.


“Rain’s stopped,” answered Andrew. “We can head back.”

“Sorry Jeff!” added Lydia. 

Jeff sighed in defeat. The four dismantled their tent and headed back to camp for a warm shower and s’mores.

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