Thursday, February 27, 2020

The Lonely Venusian

There was a lonely man who lived on Venus
Everyone avoided him, due to his breath
When it came out he thought it smelled of gum
To everyone else it was putrified death

Although he kept chickens, he was very poor
Among those to shun him were local lenders
He took matters in his hands and built an incubator
He'd spend hours there, a prolific egg-tender

He came across a woman who liked to hunt.
She had a bow on her back and arrows in her quiver.
She had the oddest manner of shakes and spasms.
When she pulled an arrow out it made her shiver.

Said he: "hello, would you like to trade game for eggs?"
"Then later I've got something to go between your meals."
Said she: "I'd go for a snack! Come sit on this rock."
"And while we're eating we'll talk about your deals."

Then they sat and talked of fortune and luck
And soon it looked like they were going to leave
The man stood up and gave the rock a kicking
Said he to her: "you'll enjoy this eve"

But then the woman caught a little whiffy
Said she: "dear me, is that coming from your gob?"
Thoroughly revolted, she didn't want to linger
She ran home and finished with her jobs

Downtrodden and lonely, he shuffled through the grass
What he really needed was a piece of soap
Later in bed, the blanket of his pick-tucked
Thought he: "What's a guy gotta do to have a hope?"

What he needed was a tonic bath that would bubble and fizz
Then he wouldn't smell so bad of filth and farts
His odor gone, a social door would unlock
And all the girls would love him for his massive heart

Monday, February 24, 2020


Teeth chattering, a bug-eyed ball of frizz dug its claws into the wooden counter.

“M-m-m-more!” it demanded.

“You’ve had enough,” the man in the stained white apron said with a wave.

“M-M-M-MORE!” it screeched. People turned to look.

“You’re making a scene,” the man whispered forcefully. The creature stared at him and vibrated.

Saturday, February 22, 2020

Beni Khaddesh Library

Roadblocks, hurdles, language barrier
Thwarteed requests or something scarier
What do I do when smiling breaks down
Do I display my internal frown?
Tunisia's thrown flags on every play
Tollroad or detour or wrong way


Friday, February 21, 2020


I looked in the mirror and a woman looked back. I cried. Fat wet drops mixed with makeup and snot made their way into hastily bunched tissues. I laughed. I’d have to redo my face - not the thought I thought I’d have.

My housemate at the bathroom door. I assure them I was okay. A goofy smile. The sort of smile you’re supposed to hide because it’s genuine. I was okay. I am okay. I am genuine.

A deep breath and I had control again. It would be a series of steps. Wipe. Wash. Work. I had found that woman. I would find her again.

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Big Shit

So there I was, string tied to my dick as was the local custom, when I felt a great grumbling rumbling in my stumbling. I mean stomach. Why’d I say stumbling? Weird.

Anyhow, my stomach felt like two cats fighting in a burlap sack. It was rough - and I didn’t feel like dealing with whatever was going to erupt. Sure, I’d have to - by accident of anatomy my guts were linked to my mouthhole and my asshole - but it wasn’t going to be the highlight of my day. As the metaphorical cats continued to wrestle, I knew it was time to take decisive action. And decisive action I certainly took. Decisive action I will certainly describe.

I rushed to the door and grabbed my rice paddy hat on the way out. It’d be a real social faux pas to be seen in the streets without a hat and I didn’t want to challenge the local norms. I half-ran, half-waddled my way through the streets as I fought the urge to birth the demon inside me. A real bad butt birth was coming though and there was little I could do to stop it.

“Hey Jack!” a young man called out to me as I rushed by.

“Hey Jack!” I responded. We shook hands, embraced, and, as the higher status male, I pinched his nose.

“What are you up to Bernard?” he asked.

“I’m off to take a shit.”

“Ah, well, let me get out of your way!”

We saluted appropriately and I was once again on my way. I made it another two blocks before I was hailed again.

“Hey Jack!” a trio of children called out to me.

“Hey Jack!” I responded. As they came closer I held out my hand to stop them. I pointed toward the theater and explained “gotta take a shit.”

The kids nodded and started rushing along my path with me. Over the next several blocks and a score of “Hey Jack!” calls the kids ran interference. I felt my heart swell a little with every answered “Hey Jack!” I felt my bowels swell with every step.

We finally made it to my destination - the local theater. A small crowd had gathered and made their way to their seats. I waddled my way on stage.

I was really struggling to keep the explosion in as I hopped on the lift and was raised to the rafters. There were a few close calls and small farts along the way, but I made it with cargo intact.

At the lift’s highest point I began the call-and-response. It was a fantastic feeling and, after the short ceremony, I lifted my robe and blasted butt brownies like a hippopotamus marking its territory. Suitably emptied, I signaled to the lift operator and began my descent. The crowd dispersed and, for the first time in weeks I thanked the gods for these little local traditions.

Friday, February 14, 2020

Be my Valentine

I think of you most every day
I almost send a text your way
Stopping me, an ugly truth
More of me pushes most away

</3 </3 </3

You said you're sad to see me go
Yet I would gladly stay
My fantasy:

After all these days I hope you know
Three words you have to say:
"Stay for me"

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I have the dumbest wishes
Like to kiss your neck while doing dishes
Or hold your hand 'neath a table
While listening to a fishing fable
I know I'm weird, I'm sure to get looks
Should our feet touch when we read books
But that's who I am; I don't think I can change
In a world so bestial, is being tender strange?

Monday, February 10, 2020

The Pale Man

An ember lit up the pale man’s face. After a drag, he hissed the smoke back into the atmosphere. The pale man flicked the cigarette onto the street, red sparks dancing on the ground.

“That’ll kill you someday,” a voice growled from the darkness.

“Gotta die somehow,” the pale man replied.

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Saturday, February 1, 2020


I had almost made it.

The Warden had dozed off in his chair again and I had to take the chance. I had spent hours upon hours, days upon days, chipping, rubbing, wiggling, and otherwise accelerating entropy in the joints, anchors, and locking mechanism of my cell door. The effort was the only thing keeping me sane and, now that the opportunity presented itself, I had to make use of it.

Taking the door off its hinges had been relatively straightforward. What squeaks and thuds the process caused didn’t wake the Warden, inshallah. I approached his little booth in the center of the cells and worked my way in. Quietly, oh so quietly I relieved him of his keys and unlocked the trap door.

The Warden’s booth sat in the center of a dozen cells in a classic panopticon. Prisoners in those cells had a wonderful view of the city from twelve stories up; to exit out the window meant certain death. the panopticon design was a stroke of genius - one guard could watch many prisoners if they never knew exactly when he was watching them through the shaded glass. Unfortunately for the guards and fortunately for the prisoners, the Warden snored.

Friday, January 31, 2020

Bibliotheque National Tunis

Pushing and shoving and
Massive line cutting
"Knowing" your needs better than you
Dirty streets (with delicious eats)
And yelling nonstop
Is just how these Arabs do

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Greater Cairo Public Library

I wish I had some gum right now
On which I could be chewing
A small distraction for my mouth
While my mind is brewing
My focus now: a million things
Wants and needs be done
Mastication might slow me down
And allow a moment's fun