Monday, June 24, 2019

Swimmingly

“What’s with the long face?”

“I have a bad feeling about that worm over there.”
“How so?”
“Well, Tommy went for one just like it an hour ago and I haven’t seen him since.”
“That’s so Tommy - he’s probably just pulling your fin.”


“He’s never been gone quite this long.”
“Are you telling me you’re afraid of a worm?”
“Afraid’s not the word.”
“What’s the word then?”

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Surf's Up

“Surf’s up dude!”
“What are you, a stereotype?”
“Whaddya mean? Like a Sony?”
“You just said ‘surf’s up, dude’.”
“Well, it is! If we don’t get going, we’ll miss it!”
“Miss the surf?”
“Yeah!”
“How does one miss the surf?”
“Usually at a bar. Just kinda hits you. One minute you’re drinkin’ and the next you know you’re missin’ the surf.”


Saturday, June 8, 2019

Lotto Haiku

Drinking Pure Blonde Beer
Been a full day of painting
Ultra low carb end

&

Plinking Star Wars tune
In the cafeteria
Piano Practice

&

Cylons and Toasters
Battlestar Galactica
Will the humans win?

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Transfixed

"I swear I couldn't look away!"

"What do you mean 'couldn't'?"

"It had me transfixed! under a spell! Entranced!"

"You mean to say you were completely unable to perform any action other than stare at the object?"


"Precisely."

"Despite your duties?"

"I'm afraid so."

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Foretold

"Well, who saw this coming?" one of the trio spoke after a moment's pause. Her companions shared a look and simultaneously shrugged their shoulders.

"Really, really? You two mean to say that we accidentally appeared on a beach that seems perfect for the three of us to take a nice, relaxing holiday? No planning? No intervention? No shenanigans at all?"


"Atty, we knew you'd never allow it, which is why I didn't say anything when Chloe planned it. That said, we're here and it's all in order, so you should just relax."

Saturday, June 1, 2019

The Beast is a Metaphor

"Oh my fucking God - it's coming right at us!"
At that, alarms started blaring throughout the ship. Panic was the order, though a few pushed through the bands of people in order to try to save the lives of everyone onboard.

"Try to stay calm, everyone!" our presumed protagonist commanded. "Make your way to the lifeboats and shelter unless we give the order to launch!"

The command made only the slightest change in the general demeanor. Too busy to be frustrated with the stupidity of the masses, our protagonist - a young woman named Laura, as I've written too many male characters recently - patted her uniform ritually as if some answer to the current predicament were hidden in one of her pockets. Bumped one time too many by the passengers, she pushed, climbed, and shoved her way onto the bridge.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Mind over Matter

"Try not to focus too intently - you'll pop a synapse."

The neophyte didn't acknowledge her senpai, daring not to spare even a glance. The object - her object - floated in front of her as a partially filled balloon. She struggled to control it. Her eyes burned as she tried to manipulate it; tried to push it left, right, up, or down. She was barely aware of the tears running down her cheeks or the blood in her palms from her fingernails squeezing into her skin.

A melodramatic approximation of a cough filled the small room and echoed off the walls. Startled by the sudden eruption, the student lost control and the object 'blipped' out of existence. Now it was gray walls, gray tunics, and an accusatory stare.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Drifting

It had already been a long day. Another two hour delay was met with laughter - the whole adventure turned to farce early in the trip and the crew realized the futility of anger in the face of nature.

"I could swim there faster," a voice growled in the cramped cabin.

"My Grandma could swim there faster," another voice added.

"Yeah, but how would she pull the load?" a final voice, the Captain's, completed the trio.

"Heh, keep the rope in her dentures. Use her tits as floaties. Scare all the traffic out of the lane," the first voice speculated.

"Don't talk about my Grandma that way," the second voice, a younger man, protested through a smirk. "She's dead."

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

NSW State Library



Murky Streams and Shifting Sands
Thoughtless Mind and Aimless Plans
I haven't the slightest of where I am
Nor of where I'm headed

***

[Free Dinner]

I want some chocolate
Perhaps a kit kat bar
I passed a dozen shops
But none fit the bill

I hope there's one nearby
Rather not walk far
I just want a little snack
Before I get my fill

***

This Library's Nice
To hear people dying
The seating is great
The sounds are trying

Monday, May 13, 2019

Adelaide City Library



Shoe Shoppin'
Tip Toe Hoppin'
Bouncin' all around

Warm puddin'
Feelin' good in
Adelaide Town

***

Eyes on paper
Big small favor
Don the hat of
Word reshaper

Saturday, May 11, 2019

State Library of South Australia



City Chatty Easy Atty Friendly Adelaide
Clean Streets Cas' Meets Smiling Adelaide
Rainy Start Take Heart Sunny Adelaide
Glad I Spent Every Cent Gettting to Adelaide

Thursday, May 9, 2019

I'm Sittin' Here!

I am the thinnest person ever
I suspect that's their thought
As they bump and bouce and hit
And spill the beer I just bought

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Melbourne City Library



Fuzzy Brain
Foggy Thoughts
One Consequence
Of Many Shots

&&&

Another dying pen
Soon to be replaced
Astronaut Pen
Soon to be spaced

&&&

Typing Travels
Telling Tales
Grand Adventures
By Air and Rail

&&&

There once was a man from Melbourne
Who got hit whilst making a u-turn
His life 'fore his eyes
He quickly 'came wise
And his lesson he certainly did learn

Monday, April 22, 2019

Victoria State Library (Melbourne)



Bad News
Dead Shoes
Tired Feet
Traveler's Blues

***

Cozy City
Source of Pride
Almost Perfect
Streets too wide

***

Fifty Percent Bigger
In nearly every way
People, cars, apartments
The length of the day
Grown, stretched, expanded
Long and wide and tall
After six months of Asia
I suddenly seem small

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Osaka Prefectural Library



I am distressed
My mind's not at rest
Rather focused on trash beside me

I should write a card
I'm finding that hard
With this mountain of trash beside me

It's just an excuse
To avoid self abuse
My problem's the trash that's inside me

&&&

Dash off some postcards
Walk to Osaka Castle
Sit among the trees

&&&

Post card?
Boast hard.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Kyoto Prefectural Library



Philosopher's Walk
Cherry Blossoms in full bloom
Tourists Everywhere

@@@

Black library pen
Wood and glass and openess
Bureaucracy noise

@@@

Worn out and weary
Feet and knees feeling the miles
Nonetheless cheery

@@@

Pic at Nintendo
Ramen, sushi, Kyoto
Next week in Tokyo

@@@

Kimono Crawlers
Always in Pairs
So very common
Nobody stares

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Kyotoshiminami Library, Kobe



A Painting Alive
A youthful girl from China
Serving me Sake

***

Pushing
Rushing
Racing
Where?

***

The section's baseball cheers
All tend to share a theme
They awake a baseball fear
Of supporting the wrong team

***

Hungry Hungry Hippo
Skipped food as he go
Now tummy let him know
Time to find some miso

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Kobe City Library



Very hairy monster man
Definitely needs a shave
Stupidly he's being drunk
Instead of bein' have

&&&

There once was a man from Kobe
Who walked straight and yelled "make way"
While a neat trick
He gave it up quick
After getting hit by a car on the highway

&&&

With friends e'er drinking
and not often thinking
not a word written since Manila

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Crawling on the Ceiling

Smiling moon
Coming into view
As I float
Thinking of you
Geckos scrambling
On ceiling and wall
I am a moron
Given my fall
I sink in my sorrows
A pool full of tears
I’ll swim in the water
And drown in the beers
How could I believe
After all that I know
How could I allow
Love’s ember to glow
Smiling moon
You mock my ache
Yet we both know soon
I’ll repeat my mistake

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Beaches



A familiar fat ballpoint brush
Paints paper once more
A last gasp, a final breath
Death knocks at the door

%%%

A beautiful beach
Shellin’ and shuckin’
What’s spoiling the view?
Two dogs fuckin’

%%%

I’d rather write tales
Than be a beached whale
Yet here I sit
Quite a nitwit
As mad as a hatter
‘cause I chose the latter
Opposite a beach bum
I am a sore thumb

%%%

I already miss you
I should’ve kissed you
I know I couldn’t
Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t
Alas, it’s not up to me

%%%

Gel pen?
Hell pen!
Smudgy
and
Sensitive

Friday, April 5, 2019

Bereft of Beauty

Red orb rising
Mists fade from
Mossy green mountains
A painting
A picture
A cinemagraph
As we wind our way
Through the valley
I become numb to beauty
The small invades
My elbow
My eyes
My ass
Beaten Bruised Broken
Awe driven away
with every bump
Are we there yet?

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Attention

Flowers have left my Fingers
Dead stems take their place
Dry thorns rake paper
Trying, trying
To make life appear once more
@
Fishhooks yank at my eyes
My irises marionettes
Black spots fill my vision
Chaos, chaos
My future is minutes
@
My pen might be a traitor
The other book a spy
Who can I trust?
No one, no one
Not even myself
@
What whimsy flutters by
Fanciful, farcical, deadly
I have been drawn in too close
Escape, escape
Sever my head or pierce my heart
@
Alas it cannot be so easy
For I am made of stouter stuff
My torturer myself
Madness, madness
Another blank page awaits

Monday, April 1, 2019

Dancing

I’ve seen this dance before
I’ve heard its music
Pulsing speakers
Grinding mixers
Shouted orders
Cacophony
Money
Quicksilver saloon
Fast forward friends
I’m not surprised
Just weary
Dancing
On the dancefloor
Dead
Eyes open
A part apart
Observing from within
Aware as I sit
Opposite everything
I’ve seen this dance before

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Muntinlupa City Library


Throw me in the water
Watch me sink
My brain a leaden weight
Now bobbing atop my jelly body
If capsized a cannonball in a condom
Watch me as I rise from rest
Slinky neck stretched
Dragging face on floor
The slime that is my life
Seeping from my mouth
Watch me as I write these words
Each penstroke painful
A train of thought stopped in station
Closest I’d get to a head of steam
Is if you throw me in the water

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Manila City Library



Dot matrix printer
Books wall to wall
Dozens of students
Having a ball
Portraits of men
Standing up tall
Just a few blocks
From City Hall

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Angeles City Library


Yes we have WiFi, use this computer
But I need it for my phone
No phone, computer, sir. Only computer
Well I guess I’m on my own

>>>

What’s there to do in Angeles City?
Get Lost? Wander? Despair?
With terrible maps and bad advice
One can do all of those there

Monday, March 18, 2019

My Radiolab Rant

I give up.

My podcatcher shows that I've listened to 279 episodes of Radiolab. It will stay at that number. This has been a long time in the making (obviously), but at some point the delightful edutainment podcast left and was replaced by a well polished approximation of what idiots think intelligence sounds like - the Big Bang Theory of podcasts. Where once I listened to episodes eager to learn something new, now they sit, continually being pushed to the bottom of my queue. I should have stopped a while ago - it is partially anger at myself for not having done so which is fueling this particular rant.

My first annoyance - the thing I always had to grin and bear to get to the content - is the way the hosts waste my time by speaking for the guests, often intersperced with the stupidest babble imaginable. A fictitious example:

Host 1: And so we went to Philadelphia to interview Simon
Simon: Hi, I'm Simon
Host 1: He's an expert in flags.
Simon: I live in Philadelphia and I'm a vexillologist.
Host 2: What did he say? Veximotoxilist? Vexipagoloist? Fleximotologist?
Host 1: Vexillologist - he studies flags.
Host 2: Ohhh, a vexillologist!
Simon: I like studying flags.
Host 1: And we brought him in to talk about flags.
Host 2: Flags? Like the flappy things? The things you put on flagpoles?
Host 1: Yes, the things you put on flagpoles.
Host 2: Red, white, and blue? The Star Spangled Banner?
Host 1: The very same!

Saturday, March 16, 2019

The Middle Class Doesn't Exist

Here I am, getting back to the roots of this blog (and, of course, not writing fiction). I was listening to one of the NPR political podcasts the other day which touched on the recent college admission scandal in the US where people - often celebrities - paid tens of thousands to millions of dollars to get their kids into elite universities. What really tripped me up was, in the span of a minute, the hosts talked about how these people were not the 1% (who "buy buildings" to get their kids accepted), but more like the 2% - which then they referred to as the "upper middle class".

What?

I have a problem with the way Americans use the term "the middle class" - that is to say recklessly and indiscriminately. I almost guarantee if you went up to someone on the street and asked "would you consider yourself to be a part of the middle class?" they would answer in the affirmative. If you followed that up with a request for a definition, you'd probably get some wishy-washy statement about being able to afford some luxury every once in a while. It's a national myth that everyone's "middle class" and, I feel, that's harmful.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

South Philly

Hop in the way back machine with me to September 2010. I lucked out. Stumbled my way into a Federal career and picked Philadelphia as my first choice as a "Get Out Of Florida Free™" card. My rationale was that my sister lived here so I knew one person, and I had spent my entire life in easy suburban living. Dropping myself in a bona fide urban environment would be a culture shock, but like they say in poker you can’t win if you don’t put something in the middle.

Year one I spent mostly getting used to my new job and trying to keep my truck’s tires intact. They were only slashed twice, so that’s a win by Philly standards. Year two my sister got married, and the month before that happened I bought a house two blocks away on Juniper Street after realizing that South Philly is a collection of amazing smaller neighborhoods and not a bad place to hang your hat. But the thing is I didn’t really take advantage of that right away. Anytime I’ve ever switched environments - new class, new school, new job - I sit back, observe, and wait for the right moment to insert myself into the group. I think that’s one of my strengths and a key reason why I get along with the majority of people out there.

After two years of mostly focusing on my job and getting comfortable with living alone, I finally decided to venture out and try something new. Thanks to the local Philadelphia subreddit I’d learned there was a weekly happy hour at a bar two blocks from my office, right next to Independence Hall. Try something new, right? What’s the worst that can happen?

Here’s what I learned. The worst that can happen is you stay at home doing nothing and meeting nobody. But I didn’t keep that up for too long. In February 2013 I walked into Cooperage Wine & Whiskey bar and met two random dudes who are still amazing buddies to this day. And that led to meeting more people through that happy hour group. Which led to me getting more social and willing to go out alone and see what happens. Which led to me checking out a new bar called SouthHouse around the corner from my house.

Armed with newfound confidence I started discovering a community of friends and neighbors based around both of these bars. A few of the friends I met at Cooperage ended up buying houses in South Philly, and for the first time in my life I really feel like I’m part of a community. I’m 42 now and I’ve lived in 10 different states. Recently I realized that at 8 years this is the longest I’ve ever lived at any one address in my life. And that just so happens to be my very own house. Like Han Solo said, “she may not look like much but she’s got it where it counts.” It's no mansion but it's home. It’s a damn good feeling to sit back and realize that I managed to build a decent life for myself out of complete desperation 10 years earlier. Yeah, I did the heavy lifting but I also had support along the way from my mom, sister, family, the Government, and a few friends. I’ll never forget that.

At some point I even seriously stepped outside my comfort zone and tried dating, which historically has been a non-factor for me. Too many other things to worry about without that headache. Ended up with mostly misses, a fleeting hit or two, but I learned a lot and it might not have been possible if I hadn’t gained confidence from feeling like I was part of a community. My biggest takeaway from that was I realized I do pretty well as a solo individual. And thanks to the many friends I’ve made here I never really feel alone.

As someone who never really found a place to call home, it looks like I finally stumbled across one all the same. I can walk into a local bar and get into a great conversation with a stranger that just so happens to also be a neighbor, and I manage to fit in. I know how to order a cheesesteak without looking like a jabroni (seriously, it's not that hard, don't hold up the line). I studied just enough historic sports trivia to blend in with the locals who grew up with heroes like Mike Schmidt, Bernie Parent, and Eric Lindros. Most importantly, I’ve met great friends here and for the first time in my life really feel like I belong somewhere.

I wrote this on January 21st, 2019 at a local bar: Taproom on 19th. I spent most of the night keeping to myself, listening to music and thinking about old friends, as is my style. By the end of the night I was having great conversations with locals I'd never met partly due to beer and partly due to the openness and community spirit of the residents. One thing was consistent throughout the night: I was surrounded by the people and energy that makes South Philly arguably the greatest neighborhood in the world.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of cheesesteaks [citation needed]
Lonely as I am, together we cry.”


-RHCP 

Friday, February 22, 2019

Bong Dong Gong Hong Kong Long Pong Song Tong Wong


Childish Talk
Of drawings in Chalk
I'm given the tour
Now on pens
and Spidermen
My heart grows all the more

---

"Flying Pan": Racist?
Meant in ill-will?
Or is it cute
A mere mole hill?

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Why Brunei



Tiny Nation of Brunei
Still don't know your how or why
Visited your old museum
Education not the theme

Now I wander - need to eat
Itchy bugbites on my feet
Only days until I fly
Away away from Brunei

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Discovery

I will never find love
I will never find love
I will never find love
I will never find love
I will never find love
.
It is important to remember.
Halfway around the world.
I am not immune.
.
Girls break up with boys.
Not to be with me.
Never me.
.
I am traveling by myself.
Not just this year.
Forever.
.
I will never find love.
I will never find love.
I will never find love.
I will never find love.
I will never find love.

Thursday, January 31, 2019

Yield

“Hoss! Hoss! Open the fucking door!” 

I'm sitting alone in my barracks room on a weekend rocking a game on the PlayStation 2. Next thing I know I hear Bailey’s voice and an urgent pounding on the door. I open it and there’s Bailey, Farncomb, and the new rookie, aka platoon FNG (Fuckin’ New Guy) standing in the hallway.

And between them is an 8 foot tall wooden post with a Yield sign attached.

“Dude! We got this for you!” Bailey says. He and Farncomb look extremely pleased with themselves. I’ll never forget this moment. The FNG is amused too, but mostly because he got dragged along with the cool kids and clearly did a good job.

“What the fuck?” I ask. Of course, I understand why they’re holding a Yield sign. It’s because these are my two best friends and they know how much this means to me. I’m just stunned that it’s right there in Charlie Troop’s barracks.

They drag the entire thing into my room. Farncomb explains they were golfing on the neighboring Air Force Base and drinking one beer per hole. They took the FNG as designated driver so they could actually enjoy their afternoon. Price you pay for being the new guy, but the trade off is street cred among your fellow soldiers which is gold when you’re new to the unit.

I stare at this idol beckoning to me like a shining beacon that connects my past and future. The sign is red and white, fit to fight. Just like the U.S. Cavalry. 

“We were a good way through and then we just saw this sign,” Bailey explains. “But to us, it didn’t say ‘Yield,’ it said ‘Hoss.’” He waves his hand across the invisible memory in his field of vision for emphasis. Meanwhile, Farncomb is laughing along with me at the whole situation. FNG is just happy to be included. 

“We drove right through the main gate with this sticking out the back!” Farncomb tells me. This is extra funny because Bailey drives a 2-door Jeep Wrangler which cannot possibly conceal 8 feet of anything, let alone a full size street sign passing in front of an MP checkpoint.

At some point I had told my buddies about the time my friends and I “appropriated” a Yield sign from the streets of Tallahassee when we worked at Domino’s Pizza. One of my friends was pissed after a shitty delivery with no tip, and he got mad and ripped the sign out of the ground. We asked him where it was, then one of my roommates took his truck to the sight and unbolted the Yield sign which adorned the walls of our college bachelor pad as a trophy. When we all eventually went our separate ways, we left it with one of our friends. His wife eventually made him get rid of it, because..well...it’s a fucking road sign.

But as I had explained to my Army buddies, that first Yield sign wasn’t just a fucking road sign. It was a symbol that my old friends in Florida had used to bond over one thing we all loved: Pearl Jam.

My Florida friends had been Pearl Jam fans from the start, but I didn’t really discover the band until right before their album Yield came out in 1998. I listened to it a lot while delivering pizzas to broke FSU students. And then we all took a road trip down to Fort Lauderdale to see Pearl Jam live. And I loved it. That concert sold me. Their music helped me get through a lot of tough times in my life, especially while in the military.

So I’m standing here at Fort Lewis thinking about all of this in a flash of memory, and all I can say is, “Dudes. I don’t know what to say.” Bailey and Farncomb just grin and tell me to enjoy it. I make quick work getting the Yield sign off the post and ditching the wood somewhere. I know I can stash the Yield sign behind wall lockers, but Sergeants tend to notice shit like a sign on an 8 foot post during room inspections. Out of sight, out of mind. The United States military mantra for success.

In this moment I’m really happy because my friends know how much the Yield sign means to me. I have a deep connection with Pearl Jam’s music and they went the extra mile just for me. People might think a road sign is juvenile (college days, right?) but for me it’s not about the sign itself. It’s because my best friends risked getting caught by Air Force and Army MP soldiers to get the damn thing to me.

Flash forward to 2019. I went though a lot of bad years and had to abandon a lot of possessions in Oregon at some point. But I never got rid of that sign. After rising from my lowest point in 2006, I went back to college, got a degree, and great career job with the Government. In 2011 I bought my house and that Yield sign was the first thing I put up on my wall. It’s opposite my couch so I see it all the time, every day. I'm staring at it right now in South Philadelphia, yet I'm also seeing it for the first time back at Fort Lewis.

Friends who visit my house just see a scratched road sign. I look at it every day, especially when I’m playing guitar. And it doesn't say, “Yield.” It' reads:

To Hoss
From Zac & Cameron
1/14 Cavalry - Never Forget


"Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear."

-Pearl Jam

Monday, January 28, 2019

Perpustakaan


I haven't seen Kuah Town
I've mostly seen my bed
Many hours I've laid down
Pretend to rest my head

There's gravity at play, it's true
It pulls me to the floor
For when I ask "what else to do?"
The answer's always "more"

I don't want to fight this fight
So, overwhelmed I snooze
Tomorrow I swear I'll write
But it's one more day I'll lose

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Of The Girl

I spent the last two years of my life trying to rebuild myself emotionally. And overall I’ll say it’s been a success. Not too long ago I ran into a bartender at Cooperage who I hadn’t seen in a long time and she made a point of saying I look much happier. So it shows, and that’s a good thing.

I’m 42. I’m single. The only girlfriend I’ve ever had was back in 1993/1994 and she dropped me when she graduated high school because of my emotional dependence. I didn’t want to be abandoned again, not after what my dad did to me. But she did it anyway, and I can’t blame her. Smart move because we all have to do what’s best for ourselves.

Aside from that I haven’t been in a relationship in 25 years. That’s my entire adult life. I personally haven’t met another person who has been single for that long. I’m sure there’s a few of them out there, but we’re definitely the oddballs or the outcasts. Or unicorns depending on your point of view. And the bitch of it is, the longer you go without being a viable partner to someone, the bigger the stigma. The unspoken complication is that something must be wrong with you if nobody has picked you up by now.

I’ve been on a lot of dates over the years. Four is the magic number. There’s been three great girls I’ve met who went out with me four times but that was the limit. By date number four they all made up their mind and decided to move on. I frequently tell myself it’s gotta be physical because I’m a huge fat dude. I get that. But even I have to admit if that was really true then there wouldn’t have been a second date. They all could have backed off at any point. So maybe they get a glimpse into my insecurities, maybe the sense of humor doesn’t click - who knows? At the end of the day we went our separate ways.

As a result I’ve spent so long building up a metaphorical brick wall around myself because I’m tired of being hurt. I don’t want to allow my emotions to be fucked with anymore. After I got seriously hurt by a non-relationship 2 years ago I decided to throw in the towel. At my age dating isn’t worth the potential downfall and although it’s the easy way out, declaring myself as a solo artist is the safest option. I might be passing up potential happiness and a genuine connection that I’ll never know, but I can do what I want, when I want...and that’s true freedom right there.

I learn from my mistakes. Except when it comes to girls. Maybe it’s a deep rooted desire to feel important to someone else, or just plain old wanting to feel needed and relevant to someone else. But recently a girl I’ve known for a while suggested what I call “Schrödinger’s Date,” which is both a date and not a date until you take the lid off the box and observe what’s actually going on. This happened to me in 2016 and it was one of the best experiences of my life, followed by an absolutely crushing downfall.

Even though I’ve molded myself into the steely lone wolf persona, I buckled and accepted because it was technically her idea. So recently we agreed to an outing (date? hanging out? not-a-date?) and I guarantee she would tell you that it was every bit as awesome as I thought it was. We both had a fantastic night laughing and getting to know each other. It’s a rare moment when you connect with someone and feel that spark, but it was there. I can’t speak for her but I’m pretty positive that it was mutual. Maybe she just wanted a friend, and I've been that person many times. I'm glad to be there for my friends. It's one of the few things that brings me joy. Yet something about this entire night suggested more than that.

But after that night, what’s next? I’m scared. Can’t lie. I decided to break my own code and allowed a beautiful girl with a killer personality into my inner circle. We get each other’s jokes, laugh together, and also both have a shared feeling of loss and heartbreak that we don’t talk about but is hovering just under the surface. We share that feeling of uncertainty where we both aren't 100% sure if our lives are going the way we'd pictured. And the thing is, maybe she’s scared too. Just like me, maybe she’s been burned one too many times and doesn’t want it to happen again. After you’ve spent so much time building up that wall it’s really hard to let someone else in. Because when things go great but the ground eventually drops out, the fall is a killer.

So we could just chalk it up to a good time and walk away. Or one (both?) of us might decide to be brave and see what happens when you slowly and carefully let someone pass through that brick wall.

Maybe we’ll take a chance and put ourselves out there to learn more about each other. Maybe we won’t talk again save for when we randomly run into each other. But there will always be that one night where we laughed together and forgot about all of life’s other problems. And that’s a magical moment that can’t be taken back. 

If that isn’t worthwhile, what is?

“Oh, he chose a path, heavy the fall, quarter to four...
Fills his mind with the thought of a girl.”   - Pearl Jam

Monday, January 7, 2019

Malaccan me Crazy


Chinese Characters
Running up the Wall
Wish I could understand them
and make friends with them all

&

light up strobe light
heavy traffic rickshaw
blasting music advertisement
HELLO KITTY - BABY SHARK - MINION
ASSAULT - ATTACK - AFFRONT
a charge led by thin brown men
on bicycles

&

End of Page
End of Stay
Goodbye Decorative Library