The Offer

 

"Sit, my friend, sit."

The office was a lair of mahogany, red leather, and cigar smoke; the indicated chair no less a constrictor than the other furniture and, indeed, no less a monster than the inhabitant of the high-backed chair across the desk. An inhuman puff of smoke wafted toward the ceiling and exploded across the surface as it made contact. There was a moment of silence as the white cloud dissipated into the brown textured tiles.

"Well?" The moment was over. I sat.

"You have something I want," them monster growled, safe in his lair. "I think I have something you want. I'll make you an offer."

I waited for a bit for the offer to become explicit.

The Lifesaver

 

"That's not yours!" squawked Shelly. "Someone might need that in case of an emergency."

"It is, nevertheless, now mine," stated Slim. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law."

"Legal possession! When you've come into something legally the courts are more likely to uphold your right to possess it if it's in your possession." Shelly took a big breath. "Conversely, you're more likely to be held responsible for wrongdoing if the object of intrigue is still in your possession. That's to say you'll get in trouble if you have stolen jewelry in your home even if you weren't the one who stole it."

"Are you a cop?"

"No, but,"

"Are you going to tell the cops?"

"No, but,"

"Then that legal shit doesn't mean a fucking thing. The lifesaver is now mine and there's fuck-all you can do about it."

And now for something entirely different

November haiku

Posted when you least expect

Do not tell Simon

A Letter Changes Everything [88]

I was so much more than a wordsmith. I was an alphabet alchemist; a metaphor magician. I had, of all things, sifted through the English language to put together the most comprehensive instructional manual our institution had ever seen. It'd taken months - nay, seasons! Spring, Summer, and Fall - to bring this piece to fruition. It wasn't so much a project as bringing a baby to term and today was its birthday.

A Romantic Scene in an Unromantic Place [17]

"After all these years, I can't believe you've never brought me back here before today," the woman said, leaning into her husband's arms. The husband, for his part, eyed the bags of trash and chemical foam frothing in the surf and said nothing. He just held her closer. Scenery aside, the waves made for a magical, musical moment.

"We should have come back sooner, honey," the husband finally agreed. "We could have made time. We had time after our bundles of joy grew up. Hell, I could have taken a long weekend off blacksmithing - I could have trusted one of the apprentices for a few days. I'm sorry hon."

A Wedding Reception with Hundreds of Guests [199]

And lo, the gods and demigods, mages and learned men all gathered for the wedding of the sun and the moon. It was a great feast - a divine feast - and the ceremony was like nothing the mortal men had ever seen before. The sky had turned black as the sun and moon kissed. They gave birth to the stars in the sky. It was over too soon, however, and both were off to count down the days until they could renew their vows again.

Their parting, however, was a signal to those assembled. The cosmic event vouched for many years of good luck until the two grew too lonely. In the spirit of good luck, the god of war proposed a toast - to soldiers, of course - and the feast moved from largo to allegro, from gridlock to expressway. Drinks and merriment abounded and toast flew fast and heartfelt.

It's a Setup! [174]

"Do you think they followed us?" Diego asked as his wild eyes checked the car windows.

"Of course they followed us," Rafael replied. "It was a setup - a trap - and we haven't escaped yet."

"We're gonna die!" Diego blurted out. Rafael hit the brakes, causing the car to jolt and Diego to slam into his seat belt. The wild-eyed man gasped to catch his breath.

"If they want to kill us, they'll have to catch us. Now, where are we headed?"

A Scientist Makes an Unexpected Discovery [22]

"What's that you've got there, Dr. Johnson?" Dr. Reeves adjusted her glasses. Dr. Johnson held the folder close to her chest.

"I know it's unlikely, but I think I found a way to subvert telomere decay during cell division and cell replacement without a parallel increase in cancer risk," she said.

"That's astounding April! The fountain of youth!"

Business as UNusual [7]

This time it was different. This time everything would change. Robert held his head high as he walked into his boss's office. In a way, he was right. He walked out like a dog with its tail between its legs. The watchwords his friend had beat into him - "confidence is key"; "demand, don't ask"; "you're worth it" - echoed in his head as he slunk back to his desk, all while trying to ignore the stares of his colleagues.

He'd asked for a raise. His boss opted to conclude their relationship. This had been unexpected and Robert had stared at his boss as if hearing an alien who'd teleported to the office. Reality raced back to him, however, and he nearly moonwalked out of the office, dragging his feet and walking backward.

A Lunch Date Gone Wrong [6]

Glenn's fork plunged into his salad and, like out of a Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon, an eruption of fire and smoke bellowed out of the cafe's kitchen. While the causality was a bit shaky, Glenn's date, Brad, looked across the table with his mouth agape.

"I promise I didn't have anything to do with it," Glenn said quickly, before the idea of evacuation had entered either man's mind. The idea did rush in, however, as a small series of pops and bangs rang out. Glenn made the choice to grab his salad.