Vampire Snail

Art by Petra

 "What's the meaning of this?"

"What's the meaning of what?"

"This! My car! What the fuck is this all about?"

"What? It's a joke!"

"A joke! You painted shit all over my car!"

"Yeah, I got you a paint job. It's the letter 'S' all over the car."

"What. The. Fuck."

"Yeah! So when you drive by people will say 'look at that s car go!'"

"... are you retarded?"

"Yo! Not cool."

"You just painted shit all over my car for a joke. Did you eat too many paint chips as a child?"

"It's a joke!"

"Did your mom drink too much alcohol while pregnant?"

"Seriously not cool."

"Why the fuck would you take my car and paint over it without even asking?"

"Okay, sorry. I thought you would get a kick out of it."

"I don't."

"Well, you don't have to use the r-word."

"The r-word?"

"Yeah, that's not cool anymore."

"I've never been 'cool' and I'm not trying to be 'cool.'"

"No, I mean it's not kosher. Not appropriate."

"What's not kosher?"

"The r-word."

"What r-word?"

"Yeah, ah, retarded ... not cool."

"You're telling me that's out of date now? What else is over?"

"Oh, ah, the f-word."

"I've been saying 'fuck' all night!"

"Oh, no, the other f-word."

"The other f-word?"

"Yeah, ah, faggot."

"That's like eighty percent of my insults!"

"Yeah, they're not cool anymore."

"Those were the height of humor in the nineties!"

"Still not cool now."

"You have to keep me up to date on these things. That's a familiar's duties."

"I know, master, but I, well, it really hasn't come up until now."

"Really?"

"I think so - usually I only see you in passing as you go out to hunt."

"I've never insulted you?

"Oh, it's not that. I suppose I haven't fucked up quite like this before though."

"You have been a dedicated familiar, I will give you that."

"I'm sorry, master, for failing you on so many levels tonight."

"Are there other words or phrases I should know not to use?"

"Well, pretty much anything Tom Green ever said."

"I can't think of anything he did."

"You know - a lot of shock comedy in the late nineties. Kind of the precursor to Eric Andre."

"Eric Andre?"

"Uh, yes, another guy. Surely you remember Tom Green though? 'My butt is on the rail'?"

"I vaguely recall."

"Well, anything he used to say is considered out of date now."

"Ah! Well, I'll try to keep to the times then. You will have to teach me new slang."

"Yes master."

"Good. Spend your day tomorrow compiling lists for me to get up to date."

"Yes master."

"Get some sleep. Fix the car. Find the slang."

"I'll fix the car, certainly. I'm so sorry master."

"Good. You should be. I'm off to hunt. Now... snail you later!"