"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Go on, my child. What sins have you committed?"
"I accidentally flashed a Chinese family while walking in the park."
"Oh, I see. Well, the human body is a gift from God, so it's not a sin to be naked. That said, no one wants to see a naked body without notice. Say one Hail Mary."
"I killed a crustacean. Sin? Not a sin?"
"Not a sin, I think."
"I used a cucumber."
"A waste of a vegetable, but still not a sin."
"I threw its corpse in a wooden bucket, then used the bucket as a sailing vessel to give it a viking funeral."
"As in you burnt it while it was floating on the water?"
"Strange, yes. Pagan, maybe. But I still don't think it's a sin. What else do you have to confess?"
"I lied in my memoir."
"Lying is a sin, but I need to know more. How big was the lie?"
"I said I was two inches taller than I am."
"How did that even come up in a memoir? Wait. I don't want to know. Anything else?"
"Not in the memoir."
"Anything else in your life?"
"I had some bacon yesterday."
"Bacon's not a sin, my child."
"But I'm Jewish!"