Thursday, July 9, 2020

A Priest Hearing a Unique Confession [138]

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"Go on, my child. What sins have you committed?"

"I accidentally flashed a Chinese family while walking in the park."

"Oh, I see. Well, the human body is a gift from God, so it's not a sin to be naked. That said, no one wants to see a naked body without notice. Say one Hail Mary."

"Yes Father. I also beat a lobster to death by brute force."

"I'm sorry?"

"I killed a crustacean. Sin? Not a sin?"

"Not a sin, I think."

"I used a cucumber."

"A waste of a vegetable, but still not a sin."

"I threw its corpse in a wooden bucket, then used the bucket as a sailing vessel to give it a viking funeral."

"As in you burnt it while it was floating on the water?"


"Strange, yes. Pagan, maybe. But I still don't think it's a sin. What else do you have to confess?"

"I lied in my memoir."

"Lying is a sin, but I need to know more. How big was the lie?"

"I said I was two inches taller than I am."

"How did that even come up in a memoir? Wait. I don't want to know. Anything else?"

"Not in the memoir."

"Anything else in your life?"

"I had some bacon yesterday."

"Bacon's not a sin, my child."

"But I'm Jewish!"

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