Bubble Snake

Art by Sammy

"A Bubble Snake?"

"Sir?" 

"What the fuck is a Bubble Snake?" 

"It's just that - a snake made of bubbles"

The General looked at the Messenger for several seconds.

"And why the fuck should I care?" 

"Well," the Messenger paused. "It's attacking?”

"Attacking WHAT?" 

"Attacking our coast?" 

"Attacking HOW?" 

"Fizzily?"  

"And what the fuck do you want me to do about it?

"Stop it? Defend our coast?"

“You want me to order our troops out to - let me get this straight - shoot at some bubbles?”

“Well, it’s more the President wants that. Or something like that. He didn’t say ‘shoot the bubble snake’ specifically.”

“I would actively campaign against him if I even dreamed he said something like that. I cannot fathom a stupider saying or order than ‘shoot the bubble snake.’ I’ve been around some profoundly stupid, crayon-eating motherfuckers and I’ve never heard something even rivaling the colossal ridiculousness of the idea of ‘shoot the bubble snake’.”

"Well, sir, I can't argue can't argue with you there.

“So what are we even doing here?”

“We were discussing defending the coast." 

"Right. From a snake made of bubbles," the General thought for a moment. "And it won't just dissolve? It won't just pop?" 

"It doesn't seem to be doing that, sir. If anything, it's growing."

"How big is it now?" 

"About a mile long and three stories tall." 

"And it's attacking?”

"Yes - it seems to be actively eating boats and beachgoers."

"Well, fuck it. Give the order to shoot the bubble snake."