Cookie's Birthday

[written round robin style at writing group]

Cookie

It was the night before Cookie's birthday and I hadn't bought her a gift. She already had an industrial sized bottle of children's NyQuil with codeine, so I took to the Silk Road to find her something to match her erratic personality. Soon she'd be a coked up Cookie.

On my Silk Road journey I also discovered a vendor who made built-to-order robotic cats - I couldn't resist getting Cookie a playmate. The cat would have teal, metallic fur and its meow would be 'guttural'. I clicked 'buy', but a pop-up appeared citing a 'flagrant system error'.

"Would you like a CAT bulldozer, or a CAT scanner?" the pop-up window asked politely.

I moved the mouse to close the window when Cookie hopped onto the keyboard with a determined meoowww. Before I could push her away, she selected a CAT bulldozer - or several.

She also selected next-day delivery, so the next day a large flat bed truck laden with four massive boxes pulled up to my block.

Each box had one word on it - happy / birthday / Cookie / !!!!!!

One of the boxes abruptly opened and out popped a shadowy figure. Cookie hissed through the window.

The figure suddenly doubled over coughing and a red curly clown wig fell on the sidewalk. I went outside to investigate and, from the three remaining closed boxes, a hauntingly familiar melody began to play. It was Weird Al's Happy Birthday but really slowed down - this did not explain what nearly killed the previously bewigged character added three sentences ago.

Soon, each of the three boxes opened and out sprung a horrific, terrifying sight: James "Cancel me Harder" Corden leapt out nimbly from the first box wearing his feline body suit from the Oscar-winning film Cats.

Cookie ran up to him and jumped into his face, claws ready to attack.

With a heart-stopping caterwaul, Cookie laid into Corden, blood spurting everywhere. Cordon fell to the ground, limp and lifeless, and Cookie jumped in the box. She hoovered up the cocaine residue and ran in circles before falling asleep.

She got what she'd always wanted: a really big box.