General Tso's Battle

[Written Round Robin style in August 2017. Many coauthors. Some small corrections, but mostly untouched.]

I looked at the general, eyes popping out of my head. “Will that be enough to finally stop them?” I asked. My heart fell as I saw one of his dirt-caked hands reach out toward me. He was missing his other arm; it was lost in the battle. I lamented to the general, Tso, “will you still be able to prepare your delicious chicken dish?”



He turned to me, “No, that dish died with my left arm.” It was clear that this chef was dedicated to the dessert menu. She loves pastries but also continues to consider the incorporation of human flesh. “Where’s the arm?” She asked.

The arm festered on the battlefield awaiting the return of fair General Tso, but alas all it could think of was tiramisu, which had not been invented yet. So Tso’s yen for his poor arm grew, even as his cooking interests consolidated. So the jerk begins, it’s stewed in a creamy, soupy broth. Where should I put this?

I couldn’t believe the dish would be able to stop the battle, but I listened to General Tso’s words.
“Forget about food and focus on the battle ahead!”

And so, he charged armless into the fateful battle, with a poise forged through decades and through battle. His horse tripped, he fell heavily. He turned and he saw the Jamaicans charging inward with all their spicy marinade.

“How armless is he!?” was heard screamed over the battlefield as Robin Williams charged through on a flaming unicorn wielding a floppy set of salad tongs. Behind him Koko the gorilla followed with her mighty arms ready for battle. The unicorn smiled. “They don’t call me Painicorn for nothing!” The Painicorn thrust his meaty horn through the armless warrior, but he was fine... but vengeful.

With a great spicy explosion, General Tso turned the battlefield into a graveyard. I am not much for this world, but the general’s victory must be remembered. And Koko wept.