A Porcine Problem

"Honey, promise me you won't get mad."

"I can't make that promise, especially since you just asked me to."

"I just need you to promise."

"In that case, you have to promise not to be mad if I break my promise."

"But you promise?"

"If you promise."

"Okay. You know how at Susan's house we were watching that documentary on animal cruelty? And you know how I got so mad at those farmers?"

"I recall."

"Well, uhm, I felt a bit bad about it all."

"What did you do?"

"You promised not to get mad."

"What."

"We have a new pet?"

"You didn't."

"He's in the playpen, he won't hurt anything!"

"You brought home a pet?"

"Yes – a pig named Mister Oinkers."

"A PIG!?"

"You said you wouldn't get mad!"

"I said I'd try! There was no guarantee – especially after you brought a dirty pig into our house!"

"Mister Oinkers!"

"Mister I don't give a shit! You're messy enough without a farm animal! What the hell were you thinking?"

"But I love him!"

"What? No. I don't care. You want me to not be mad? Well, I'll head over to Donny's – as long as there's no pig when I get back, I'll be the happiest motherfucker you've ever met."

"You can't expect me to just get rid of Mister Oinkers, do you?"

"You got him, you get rid of him! I don't care how you do it."

"And what if I don't?"

"Well, I suppose we'll have pork chops for dinner, bacon for breakfast, and ham for Christmas!"